The Gift of Forgiveness: How to Practice Compassion for Yourself and Others

Forgiveness

45:59

SPEAKERS

Marlena, Jamie, Christy

Christy  

Marianne Williamson said, forgiveness is the choice to see people as they are now, when we're mad at people were angry because of something they said or did before this moment. By letting go of the past, we make room for miracles to replace our grievances. Welcome back to a witch, a mystic and a feminist, where today we are talking about forgiveness, which is easier said than done. For sure. But you know, encompassing forgiving ourselves, and forgiving others, we're going to talk about it all. Huh, Hi, ladies.

Marlena  

Good morning. Good morning.

Jamie  

Well, forgiveness, such a big word. I think it is. I think when we, when we think about forgiveness, it's just it's a lot, right? It almost feels heavy, at least for me, on my heart, on my mind. So we thought this would be a great topic to discuss, because we have all been in these situations where we had to forgive someone, even if it might be ourselves. So yeah, it's a lot a lot. It's a lot emotionally, it's a lot mentally, physically, it can cause you pain. When I thought of this topic, we're trying to figure out what we wanted to do. And I brought this up, and I thought this needs to be discussed. But when I like start to think about it to heart, I just go oh, God, this is a big one. This is a big one. 

Marlena  

I agree. I mean, you know, I sit there and I'm like, forgiving other people, which definitely not easy for me. But I've it can be done. forgiving myself. I have the hardest time with that. Yeah, the hardest time,

Jamie  

right? Yeah. All right, we're gonna deep dive into this bad boy. So Strapping, let's get this in. Buckle up people. So you know, I always have to Google the translation. Because again, people want to know what something means. What do we do nowadays, we Google. So going to Google, obviously, there's multiple definitions out there. And the Oxford dictionary definition is pretty basic, the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven? Pretty basic ship, right. So I mean, that's a pretty definition from the dictionary. But as I kept going, because there was there were there are multiple definitions of this word. Mayo Clinic says Forgiveness means different things to different people, which I did like this one. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger, the act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen the axe that grip you. 

Christy  

That is a much better definition. Yeah. 

Jamie  

Yeah, I was like Oxford, you're kind of weak, but um, Mayo Clinic, it does mean different things to different people. And for sure, it can look different to how it how it comes out how they act of forgiveness, how long it takes to forgive. And the other one I really liked that I found was actually from Women's Day. Forgiveness, does it mean forgetting. Rather, Forgiveness means letting go the pain the incident is causing us, we forgive to give ourselves peace of mind. And in hopes that one day someone will return the favor if we ever offend them. So again, this one really resonated with me, because it doesn't mean forgetting, I think, right, I myself, have said, Okay, if I forgive you, that means I'm like forgetting what you did. Or if I forgive myself, I'm forgetting the harm or the bad that I did. And I think that stops a lot of people from forgiving or giving forgiveness.

Marlena  

Right? I agree when. And that's huge. Because we tend to think that when we forgive other people, now we're, say friends again, or, you know, we're this or that, when in fact, it's I've forgiven you to find my own peace. But we may never be friends again. Or we may never be in that place where we were in that in the past. 

Christy  

Right. And that is, that is something that I've had to learn in my adult life is that forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. Right. So for me in in the past, it's always been like, if I forgive this person, we're we're back to the same relationship or, you know, we've reconciled, when really sometimes the hurt that has been caused by another person or yourself, whoever we're talking about, you know, you're releasing that, but you don't need to continue in that in that relationship because they've harmed you. Right. So you have the opportunity to say, Well, that's it then I forgive you, but we're not friends or we're not going to reconcile, and that's okay. Right. Um, And so that is a huge lesson that I've had to learn in my adult life, that it doesn't mean reconciliation.

Jamie  

Agree, yeah, sometimes we're forgiving in our own privacy. And sometimes that doesn't even, like, have to concern the other person, if that makes sense, right? I'm just yeah, I'm releasing this for myself. Yeah, I doesn't mean I need to reach out to you or talk to you. I mean, that might be part of your method or what you have to go through. But for some of us, it's just simply, again, releasing that resentment and anger, to find that peace within ourselves. So we may not even involve the other person ever again with that. So

Christy  

yeah, I, I know, I've talked about in the previous episode, my meditation and letting go of this person, who I thought I had let go of right, many times over. But really, that that whole experience was about forgiving them for such harm that they caused me that I carried, never really realizing it. And from that moment, I mean, all of that was released, and that even but that took me, what is this 20 years, I don't know, maybe like 15 years, to number one, realize I was still carrying the hurt and the resentment, you know, along and number two to actually forgive that person, but not in a face to face, telling that person I forgive you. It was literally just an innermost meditative forgiveness ceremony, kind of, and letting, letting that go. Many forms. And it's a process.

Marlena  

It's a process. It definitely is a process.

Jamie  

Yeah, it's definitely a challenge. And we know that there's, you know, several ways to forgive someone, it's a personal experience for everyone to go through something like this. And how you process it, how you move through, it is going to be different for every single person, part of it, when you start, it's almost just a acknowledgement, right acknowledgement of the hurt, the pain, what you went through, it's almost like you're, I hate to say it reliving it sometimes because you try and block the pain and the hurt. And now you have to like acknowledge what really happened, whatever the situation was, and you have to live through that again. So that can be a first hard step, right? Just having to relive that situation, that moment, in order to acknowledge what has happened. Yeah. And then, of course, you know, considering how the hurt and the pain is affecting you, again, mentally, physically, spiritually, it can affect us in so many different ways. So it's important to have that understanding of how it's affecting you. I know, for me, when when we started talking about this topic, the first thing that came to mind is the forgiveness of my father. I know I've brought it up before, but you know, my father was an alcoholic. He was, it was a challenging upbringing. And him and I have always had a rocky relationship. And when he passed, why, five years ago, there'll be five years this year. It was the first time I think I really acknowledged and looked at the hurt and pain of my childhood, also the hurt and pain that I caused him, because we did have a very strained relationship. And I know as his only daughter, I know, that hurt him not having a relationship. But it was in his death, that I think I finally was able to forgive him. And it was actually with meditation and different processes for me, that allowed me to understand that my dad did the best he could with the abilities he had. And I've asked him for forgiveness. Because I know I wasn't the best daughter either, either, because I had a lot of resentment, and anger and hurt. So yeah, I really had to, in that process with him, consider how it has affected me. And then accepting that I can't change that past. Yeah, that I think was is really hard. Really, really hard. The acceptance of you can't change what happened. And then being able to still move past that.

Christy  

Yeah. Because if you dwell on that past, you're never I mean, you can't move forward email. So you're, you're just stuck. You have to let it go. And it is so difficult. I mean, I can't even imagine in your situation working through that. Yeah, otherwise what I mean, the alternative is you are stuck. lamenting that you can't change it, you can't change it can't change it and you're missing out, you know, on other things that are happening. So, yeah, it's, you have to

Marlena  

Yeah, be Because I mean, you can't just sit there and wish, oh, I wish I did this differently, or I wish you did this differently. Or I wish, I wish I wish that all of this in the past could have been changed, when in fact, you do have to accept that there's nothing that can be done.

Christy  

Right? Yeah, that doesn't work unless you're a Disney character. Like birds come and change the past for you. Yeah. That would be I think I like I channeled Snow White. And then I couldn't think of anybody else that I was like, Cinderella, I don't know.

Marlena  

That I was thinking of the genie.

Christy  

Yeah, a lot of that would have been the go to wishes,

please. Yeah,

Marlena  

I didn't do this. I wish you didn't do this. Yeah, I wish everything were perfect.

Jamie  

Yeah. Love and the acceptance, you guys just saying? Like, I wish I didn't do that. That's part of it too, right. Because sometimes it's how we reacted in the situation that may have caused it to be worse, you know, or, again, if it's something we're working through on ourselves, that we've done wrong. It's accepting of the whole package. And that's just, that's tough. Like that is that's a that's a big cookie. Yeah, thing.

Christy  

I was just gonna say, for what we've talked about so far, it's something that I have to or I've been working on, again, in my adult life, because I tend to sweep things under the rug, even if they hurt me. And even if they're little things, right, in friendships or relationships, I tend to say, oh, no, no, it's fine. Because I know the intent isn't to hurt, right? I know, their intent isn't to harm me. But that still doesn't. That doesn't mean it didn't harm me. Right. And so brushing that under the rug really does build this kind of this tiny little seed of, kind of, I won't, I don't know if I want to say bitterness, but something along those same lines, where it just kind of hurts a little more every time something else happens, right. And it builds and builds and builds, and all these little tiny things that again, the intent is not to harm the intent is not to hurt me deliberately. And then I ended up, like, losing it or being overdramatic and shocking. And you know, being like, be like, Oh, my God, this person always hurts me. Right? That's not really the truth. Because, honestly, they don't know they've hurt me. Because I haven't said anything. You guys, I just, I'm like, It's little, it's fine. It's fine. They didn't mean it. They didn't,

Jamie  

yeah, they didn't meaning by it, they exactly. They weren't trying to hurt me,

Christy  

right. But the acknowledgement of the hurt even between two people. And even if it's small, I mean, the minute you acknowledge it, I find that you take the power away, especially in those small little moments, and it's easier to move on. And then it's also easier for the other person to identify, Okay, when I did this last time, it hurt her, right. And I don't need to really understand why it hurt her. But I know that it did. So I'm going to change my behavior, or that's kind of what you hope, right? In a relationship, obviously, I'm going to change how we interacted last time, so that I don't hurt her. And that's a huge shift as well. And I feel like being a grown up, but it's taken me this long, and you know, having grown up relationships, because otherwise you're just that person is never aware, and you're just hurting yourself more and more. As time goes on.

Jamie  

Yeah, it comes back and makes it worse for you by harboring this, this energy, this, this hurt this pain, and it just keeps building and building and building. So, you know, acceptance is probably a it's probably one of the most tough things to do because you have to accept what happened and relive it and and decide that, you know, know that you can't change the past. But you know, and then you need to determine whether or not you're willing to forgive. Yeah, maybe you're not. Maybe you're not there yet. Maybe you're not ready to forgive and, you know, might rear its ugly head again later on down the road, but maybe you're not ready, you know, and that's okay. That's okay.

Christy  

That is okay.

Marlena  

So that brings me to something else in that, you know, forgiveness. Just like with grief, just like with everything else that we've discussed. It's not linear. So, you know, forgiveness takes place in its own time. When you're ready.

Christy  

There's been a theme on our podcast recently with things not being linear. Exactly. It's a strong theme. Go back and listen to a couple of the other episodes. Yeah, it's

Marlena  

a process. Yeah,

Jamie  

absolutely. Do you may not be willing to forgive yet and you know what, you may never and that's your story. That's your decision. But if you do determine that it's time, I'm ready to move forward, you work on the repair of whatever that looks like for you. Right? Are you repairing your own emotions or Are you? Are you trying to let go of some anger? Maybe you really do want to have this relationship with this person again. But you have to work past this or work through it in order to get there. So are you trying to repair a relationship, but you have to decide, what is it that you need to work on? What are you trying to fix? What are you trying to move through? So that's very important, once you decide you're ready to move forward, is what are you trying to heal? What what is what's the next part for you? Why is this important? And I think we were just talking about this in our discussion before we hopped on. But forgiving someone, or repairing what is broken, doesn't necessarily mean you have to repair relationship, right? It doesn't mean that all of a sudden, you're back to being best friends, or you're back to being I don't know, co workers that get along either whatever the situation is, doesn't necessarily mean that that relationship is back. It doesn't have to be, again, you could be working through forgiveness privately. Right doesn't mean so yeah,

Marlena  

it doesn't mean you even have to have a relationship with that person at all. Exactly. You know, your forgiveness can be again, forgiveness is is for you, it's for you to be able to move on with your life, it really has absolutely nothing to do with that other person. And those friendships or those relationships, or, or whatever it was, this is for you personally, to be able to move forward in your life with as little pain as possible.

Jamie  

Right? And that's what it's saying. Like, you know, once you realize what you need to fix and heal, it's learning what forgiveness does mean to you. What does that look like in this situation? Is it just for you to be able to feel more at peace, to let go that resentment and anger that keeps harboring on your heart? It's It's knowing what that forgiveness looks like. And again, it's going to look different. In every situation, maybe that forgiveness means repairing that relationship or debt. Forgiveness just means I'm at peace with my, my dad's death and the life that I had with him. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay to move on. And let go of the resentment and the anger that wow, it's turned into my therapy session. But yeah, so to move on, and to be able to finally accept what has happened, it did happen. And we're moving forward and releasing that anger because I lived with a lot of anger and resentment with my dad throughout most of my years, especially as an adult as when I started having children. And he wasn't an active part of their life that bothered me on a whole nother level. Right now. It wasn't me. It's my kids. And I struggled with that on a whole nother level of resentment and anger with my father, as an adult. But, yeah, I mean, you just, you have to know what that forgiveness looks like for you, and then just choose to move forward with it and move through it. I didn't know it was going to be therapy for me today. I'm sorry. I apologize for that. Oh, my God,

Christy  

I know all of our sessions, their therapy for at least one of us. I feel

Marlena  

like that's part of this podcast, though. I mean, you know, it's like, we want to put our message out there. But a lot of it is also healing for us as well. Yeah. And like we're talking about forgiveness, forgiveness of what we've done in our past forgiveness of what other people have done to us, which, you know, I know this is your next point, getting us out of victim mode.

Jamie  

Yeah, yeah, yes. Amen. Yes. No, no, no, no more victim mode. I know I agree with you. I just and I don't want to say that feeling like your victim is wrong. Because when I think even bigger outside of myself and the things that we're discussing with forgiveness, I get to a whole nother level where I don't know how truly these victims can move past rape. A killing someone killing a child, you know, these big scope like, oh my god, like how could you? How could you forgive someone? Forgive the situation and move forward again, doesn't mean you have to forgive like, and forget. I hate that same forgive and forget. But Gemini can have that

Christy  

like the talk on that if you want. Yeah, a little bit, please. I mean, after I was raped in high school, it was obviously a long process. But I ultimately decided that if I carried this with me, my, the perpetrator would continue to have control over my life. And so I couldn't allow that. So I worked insanely hard on not,

Jamie  

I guess, I don't

Christy  

know, I don't want to say this wrong way, but like, not necessarily forgiving him, but just forgiving the whole situation. And knowing that I couldn't change it, right, it happened, it's there. But I'm not going to let the negativity carry through in my life, and let him overshadow the life that I want to live, right. So I had no room for that anymore. And I've, I've seen what it can do to people. And I'm like, I can't carry that with me. I can't, I'm gonna miss out. And it doesn't mean forgetting. I've obviously have not forgotten, and I don't think victims ever do forget. But it is that like, for me, it was definitely the this person cannot have control, he already had control over my body, he cannot have control over my life. I'm choosing not to allow that. You're gonna make me love you see therapy.

Marlena  

I'm like, I just want to give you a big

Jamie  

Misty, thank you for sharing that. That's um, I know, you've mentioned it before on our on our podcast, but I'm sure it's never easy to talk about. So thank you. For that. It just it really when we talk about forgiveness and these big scope things like your situation, and I just, I get it, you have to let go and move through the anger and the hurt and the pain because then you're right, it controls your life. We only get one life here. Do we want to let that person or the situation that already harmed me once severely, take control the rest of my life? Yeah, and keep harboring that resentment and that anger. And unfortunately, you know, it can come back to people don't move through it. And suicide and drug abuse and addiction and or turning it back on to someone else because they were harmed themselves. So Right. I think children who were abused and things like that, that don't know any better, because that was how they were, unfortunately brought up. So yeah, big scope, things like that. It just amazes me the power and the strength that we actually have to get through these things. But it is a choice. It is a choice to decide to free yourself or not. So well. Okay, that was a big one. Thanks,

Christy  

Christy. Didn't even plan that. happens, goodness.

Jamie  

Okay. But again, as I was just saying forgiveness, you're choosing to free yourself. Yeah, you know, are you going to take your power back? Or are you going to let the moment and the situation that happened? Literally, take your power and control how your life will go? And that's just as too much power for one person to take away from you. Yeah. So forgiveness again, you know, it can, it can free you can make you feel more light, health wise, mentally, all the things so forgiveness really can be freeing for a person. And it can also help you again, we've mentioned this before, but your actual health, right, negative emotions, rob our energy, and they take a toll on our body or mind or spirit causes anger, anxiety, depression, and undue stress. I mean, it just, it all impacts us negatively. So it can be freeing mentally freeing physically. And of course, it helps us move forward down our spiritual path. And hello, we're all about spirituality here. So, you know, as adults, and as we've come into our spiritual path, our spiritual journeys, this is, I think, really part of helping us move through this journey in this path of ours down our spiritual, spiritual illness spiritual out, yeah, spirituality. But it's all part of that path. If we want to be whole with ourselves more at peace with ourselves, have a more clear mind a more centered soul. Forgiveness is a big part of that, too.

Marlena  

I mean, one of the things in I read this and I was like, it's stuck with me forgiveness is at the core of peace and spiritual growth. And, you know, I truly believe that I believe that that forgiveness and gratitude, those two are at the core of peace and spiritual growth. But again, it's you needing to be able to move forward and sitting in the past, you're not able to be present, you're not able to if you're not present, you can't move forward by and learning how to I mean, you know, we are so in our heads about everything, you know, and continuously worrying about what harm we've done to people or what harm we we've had done to us. And constantly living in the past. Again, you know, everything that we were talking about victim mode health, I mean, you know, how many times do we hold the stress of of what somebody has done to us or said to us, because we didn't say anything in that time. We hold it in our shoulders, and then all of a sudden, you start to get a cold, and then all of a sudden, you know, and so it affects mind, body and soul. Yeah. And so, you know, we need to make sure that that we're aligned. And forgiveness is

Jamie  

a huge part of that. Yeah, absolutely. And I do feel, it definitely encourages compassion. Yeah, this starts conversations, and us being able to relate to others. I think that was another big focus of our podcasts, at least, I know, when we discussed what did we want to do with this podcast. And one of the things we talked about was being able to connect and relate to others and have others relate to us as they listen to our journeys and our stories. And our topics. And forgiveness really does open that door of compassion, kindness, goodness, just being relatable. And people need to hear those stories, because they need to know that they're not alone. So even in the path of forgiveness, you can help others heal. Because you're opening your heart to the story, the situation, and letting go of the anger and resentment. And there are situations that where people turn their negative situation into a positive by mentoring or counseling or being a friend, a confidant, you know, for someone and that's, that's huge. So forgiveness can lead to a lot of positives within ourselves and our communities. So most importantly, because this is a big one. How can we forgive ourselves? Because, okay, yeah, I know, I don't, I don't even know. I can talk on this subject. I'm still working on it. But um, that's it's just, it's a big one, right? Because we can, these are things that we have to accept we did. Right? And then work through the process. And accepting responsibility is very difficult, because now you have to really accept that you hurt someone, you did something, whatever it might be the situation. And it's, that's tough. Right? Yeah. That's tough. Like, you have to accept all that you did, and how it affected that person and the outcome. And, and so flipping the table, right, we were talking about big, big situations, right? That, you know, the, what we were just discussing, I'm turning the table on to Okay, what if, unintentionally, of course, car accident, you kill someone? Right. And you weren't not saying impaired? Not saying, you know, any anything was caused the accident, other than it was an accident. I think of those those kinds of situations in this situation, how do you work through the process of forgiving yourself? Because you didn't do this intentionally. You weren't impaired? You weren't driving 100 miles down the road on a 25? You know, things happen. And I think, Oh, my God, big, big story, like, how could I work through that? And acceptance would be difficult and responsibility for it? Yeah.

Marlena  

Yeah. I mean, you have to be accountable for your actions. Yeah. I know, there's a number of things that I've done in my life that I, you know, and it took a while for me to hold myself accountable. But I had to take responsibility for the fact that, you know, yes, there was a time in my life where I was a very shitty person, but I also have forgiven myself for some of those things. I will say everything, work in progress. Work in Progress. Yeah, you know, taking accountability for my actions, taking responsibility for the shity shity things that I've done. The shitty things that I've said, and being able to fully accept that I made some crappy decisions, but I'm not that person anymore. Right? And that's where I'm able to find the forgiveness in myself and be like, Okay, I've done these things, but that really isn't who I am anymore.

Jamie  

That's huge. Because I think that's a big part of it for me too. And trying to work through the things I need to forgive. For myself. I look at when it happened, the situation I was in The time what was my mental stability at that time? Because I've, you know, had we've all had times where we're just not, let's be honest, mentally stable. And I, I try and put things in perspective. Why did I do that? Why would I have done this? You know, why did why did it make sense at the time? And I know there's always this things like, you know, live your life with no regret Okay, I'm sorry, I have regrets. And it's because I made those decisions. And they were okay at the time when I was in the moment. But now looking back on it, it's like, Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? Like, come on, Jamie, you know better than this. So,

Marlena  

other thing, some of those shitty things, those are lessons that we had to learn in life, to make us the people that we are today. So, you know, all of the crappy decisions that I made, and when I was a shitty person making shitty decisions being you know, shitty to everyone. I had to learn those lessons so that I'm not that person anymore. Right. And it's kind of going back to, you know, the past couple episodes where we were talking about our hero's journey, and things like that, where we have these lessons that we have to learn

Jamie  

in order to find our better selves later. Yeah, yeah. The act of taking responsibility and owning it. And then obviously, there's going to be remorse. Right, right. Yeah. feel bad for what we did shit guilt.

Marlena  

That one is always a tough one. Where I'm just kind of like, cringe like, I can't believe. Yes, that is

Jamie  

that. Like, you know, hand you guys see my hand on my

Marlena  

shoulder, like, Paul.

Jamie  

Like, what was I thinking? It's that it's that feeling of, and I think cringe is a perfect word. Because you do you kind of shutter you can go, Jamie, what the fuck What is wrong with you? Especially now, right? Because a lot of those things, a lot of those dumb things were in my 20s. And now being about 47. Don't get me wrong. I've done shitty things in my 30s to probably in my 40s. But I think a lot less than my 40s I'll be honest, but I look back on them, I think, oh, it's cringy it is it's like you just cringe and you shatter and you think, oh my god, I just can't believe stupid shit. I did. But well,

Marlena  

I mean, there are times where I have a very long commute. So they might have just keeps going. And yes, I want to live in the present. But when you're commuting for a long time, sometimes you think about the past. Present is very

Jamie  

boring.

Marlena  

Cars. breasts, although I have to say I love when hawks like fly, right? Yeah. So and I'm like, I am present. I get it. I got it. Sorry. I digress. But I'll be thinking about something that I did say a number of years ago, and I don't know why it just kind of popped in my head and I'm like driving good. I'm like, okay, Marlena. That was a really long time ago. Not the same person. You need to forgive yourself. It's fine. You know, but do you guys feel that those sometimes where you feel like you've forgiven someone or something or yourself for a certain situation? And then all of a sudden so much time has passed? And then you have that cringy moment of Yeah, yeah. And you're just like, What the fuck just happened?

Christy  

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a flashback. And then it's like a really like, terrible,

Jamie  

terrible flashback. Yeah, movie clip that just pops in your head and you think, okay, and honestly, again, in my 40s a little weird now, I wouldn't say we're just more spiritual, but I'll go, okay, Joan, which is my spirit guide. Why? Why? Why? Why did you flesh it out in my head? Like, why did you make me just think about that. It's totally random. There's obviously a reason. And I just think she's trying to tell me something like, don't forget.

Marlena  

Okay? On topic, but off topic, there's times where these things will pop into my head. And maybe a few days later, or even a couple of weeks later, a similar situation happens maybe not necessarily with me, but with my child or someone else close to me. And it's like, it's just kind of a reminder of, well, what did you feel then? What do you feel now? So that, you know, advice is needed or requested is more what I should say. But you know, if advice is requested, you know, you remember. So that's happened to me a few times. And then there's been a few times where just this cringy things pop into my head and I'm like, she thinks,

Christy  

Oh, yeah. And then I have kind of off topic too. But like, I have where things flashed in my head. I'm like, okay, is this just like my anxiety popping up to where like, it's just remembering these like, shitty things that that these people in these circumstances like, would probably don't even remember I was there or I did that thing, right and like, now everybody remembers And they're thinking about it all. Right now they're

Jamie  

thinking about like, Christie so

Christy  

so I have to like, I have to weigh it right? I'm like, okay, is this just like me having anxiety? Or is this really like something that I feel guilty about? And oh my god, just trying to figure that out is so exhausting. Sometimes

Jamie  

you're causing me anxiety, just thinking about it. She's Christie, sorry, I

Christy  

forgive. You worked through all those stages. So

Jamie  

it can happen. It can happen so fast to I forgive you.

Christy  

I forgive on topic.

Jamie  

Oh, my goodness, okay. And then, of course, working through the process of forgiving yourself, you know, you have to identify behavioral patterns that might have led to the situation, you have to think about restoration of, of how things have been taking actions to ensure they don't happen again. So actively saying to yourself, Okay, I did this, how do I make sure I don't do it again, because I don't want to deal with this again. And I think we've all said, as we've gotten older, and you know, now we're on these spiritual journeys, and these paths, it is part of our process, to clear these blocks within ourselves. And you do you have to take action, and be able to realize, I'm not going to do this again. So guess what, I'm not putting myself into this situation, again, to allow me to even have the opportunity to possibly do this again. So it's taking those steps and actions and putting them into play, whatever that might be. To make sure you don't do it again, seriously, like, come on, you fucked up once not trying not to do it again. Right. And then, of course, the, you know, the stage of renewal, renewal, personal growth comes from this, you emerge with self acceptance, self compassion, a greater understanding of yourself, and of course, your values. Right. This obviously, was something that bothered you so much that you're working through this forgiveness path. Well, I mean, this has you reevaluate or look at your values, you know, obviously, when it gets something of your personal values that have bothered you, so it really helps you understand your personal values even more, and maybe put them in perspective, because sometimes I think values can put aside when we're doing shitty things. So this helps you have to face them again and own them. Yeah. It's like rewriting your story, if you will. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like that. And it's recognizing that you're human. Yep. Exactly.

Christy  

That's what I tell my kids. I'm like, this is the first time you've been my sons that I know of. So yeah, this is the first time I like this the first time that I've been your parent. So there's mistakes will be made. We are human, we are learning, we will have to forgive each other. We will hurt each other. It is inevitable. We're human part of our existence.

Jamie  

That's definitely one. And I'm sure you all can relate. I know we're all great mother's parents, I struggle with when I feel like I'm not enough or doing enough, or I don't know, I snapped at my kid because I was angry about something else. And I took it out on on him or her. And I have a hard time forgiving myself in those situations. But how I work through it is I kind of step back and go look, you apologize, I will acknowledge it. And I will apologize. And I will tell you, it's very hard for me to do that sometimes. Because in the moment, when I just snapped at my kids, I'm already heated. And I have to take a deep breath. Okay, I'm sorry. Literally, like it's kind of like, ah, like, through my teeth. Because I am sorry, but to actively, like, say it, especially in the moment because I don't want to just let it go. And think, Oh, my kid knows. I wasn't trying to be mean, I'm actively practicing, like, apologizing in the moment. Because I don't want them to ever think like, oh, that's just mom. You know, right. And that's hard. That's that's hard. Like, I'm sorry. Like, drew my teeth.

Marlena  

Giggling as you're saying all of this because then there's me where I'm just like, Fuck these kids.

Jamie  

That is my motto. I mean, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I snap because there's a reason to snap. Right?

Marlena  

No. And while that is my motto, but at the same time, you know, I do to apologize. Even though I may not. I don't want to say I don't want to but um You know, apologizing for me is difficult as well. Like, I'm just I'm very stubborn. And I'm always right. Always. You know, so apologizing is difficult for me. But you know, also when I know I'm wrong, I will do it. And so as you continue to recognize when you're wrong and apologize, and it does become easier.

Christy  

Yeah, kind of funny. I was talking to my cousin about this a couple days ago. And I have actually, I'm actually really enjoying and this sounds very weird, apologizing to my kids when I'm in the wrong. It feels. Yeah, it feels really healing for me, because I am identifying with words, I'm identifying with them. I'm not actually mad at you. Right. I am overstimulated. I am frustrated with work, or I feel like I have too many things on my to do list. And now you're talking to me, and you're asking me to buy you something. And I can't, you know, I don't want to write that we're not doing this. And and so when I'm able to identify that, and then tell them like, I'm sorry that I snapped at you my frustration with my day I just took out on you. And that's not fair. Yeah. Because I hope, I hope, let's cross our fingers, that they will be able to do the same. Right? As they grow.

Marlena  

Actually, it's true. Because with my child, I apologize a lot more now when I am in the wrong. And vice versa, they will apologize to me, and may take a couple hours may take a couple days, but will apologize to me when they are in the wrong. Right.

Christy  

And that's exactly what I'm hoping for with my kids is that my behavior is going to show them that it's okay to be wrong. You know, like, okay, Mom, I'm not frustrated at you. And I've had my older son do this like, Okay, I didn't mean that. That wasn't for you. I'm just frustrated. Okay, fine, be frustrated. And if you need to throw fit, I guess go in your room and close the door, because I don't need to witness that. But you know, I had literally with my youngest. He was after me. I promised him I was going to do something for him. And then I was having a really tough day. And he started throwing a fit that I you know, you promise and I'm like, Yeah, I'm busy. I've got a million and then I just list I have a million things to do today. Like, you know, and now you want me to sit down and do this, like, you know, no, I'm like, and then I took like, it was definitely a beat. And then I just I turned to him. And I said, I am just in a really rough spot today, emotionally and mentally. And he goes, I am too. And I said are you I was like, okay, and then he's like, Well, I just want you to keep your promise. And I said, and I understand that. And let's go make that happen. And then it was fine. And I was able to like make it happen. But I think that's just a lot of self awareness too, is being able to kind of like who like this isn't Oh, my God, and then forgiving yourself for the initial reaction that you had. But it's tough. Especially when you're the parent you're like, because I said so. And you're like, I don't know why I'm actually angry at you.

Marlena  

Myself. Right. Right. But I'm gonna

Christy  

keep this up because I'm your parent. So,

Marlena  

right. And that's what we heard all our lives. And I turned out fine.

Jamie  

Me yelling

Marlena  

but it's fine.

Jamie  

I realize Amelia you but that's because yeah, no. Speaking of forgiveness, I found that my mom actually does listen to the podcast, so sorry, mom. Sorry. Oh, my gosh.

Marlena  

So if you didn't tune in last week, yeah, exactly. And it Amy called out her mom.

Jamie  

I totally called out my mom. And I even asked for forgiveness at that point. It was funny. The next day we were talking on the phone and at the end she was oh and by the way, honey. I absolutely love your podcast boys. Oh, shit. She Oh, man. All right, well, Mom, guess what? They just started laughing we'll see if she listens to that. But it's spectacular.

Marlena  

I love that so much.

Jamie  

Oh my god. Anyway, Mary. Love you. Love you. She's ascending hearts like this. Okay,

Marlena  

I know. There's three hawks flying outside of my window flying in there, like,

Jamie  

free. Oh my god.

Christy  

I'm gonna say there's one for each of us. That's what I'm so too. Yeah. Um, okay, so we've talked about a lot. It's a heavy, heavy subject, and a difficult subject, but it's forgiveness and it's you can learn it and you can practice it and you can do it. And you know, we would love to hear from you. If you have a specific example or you have a question, reach out twist on MF M F. Oh my god, w m f pod.com I forgive myself and we're getting a little goofy but we would love to hear from you. We would love for you to follow us on our, our social, go to our website, submit a question so that we can have a question segment and really engage with you guys on a different level. And we will see you next week. Thank you for listening